Alastair Stewart’s Tongue Stuck up the Duchess of Camdridge’s Arse!



Whence think’st thou kings and parasites arose?

Whence that unnatural line of drones. who heap

Toil and unvanquishable penury

On those who build their palaces, and bring

Their daily bread? – From vice, black loathsome vice

From rapine, madness, treachery and wrong

From all that ‘genders misery, and makes

Of earth this thorny wilderness, from lust

Revenge, and murder…

(Percy Bysshe Shelley)


Breaking news: ITV News stalwart Alastair ‘I always enunciate as though all our viewers are deaf or retarded?’ Stewart has managed to do the unthinkable….make Kate Middleton’s arse temporarily more interesting to the mainstream media than sister Pippa’s. This feat was achieved, quite by accident, due to the relentless sycophancy displayed by Stewart every time he reports a royal story (especially one about the fragrant Kate) finally resulting in his saliva drenched tongue actually working its way inside her anus, whereby, due to the Duchess clenching her sphincter muscles in surprise (but not, we hear, revulsion – apparently she’s partial to a bit of backdoors action) said tongue became trapped, meaning Kate was unable to carry out an impending official engagement in which she was due to simper on about missing William for longer than three minutes – well over the usual amount of time needed for royal propaganda purposes.

As anyone not blinded by serf-like worship of massively wealthy, privileged in-breeds will know, Wills and Kate have been playing a crucial role in the project to soften up the British public for a defence of South Atlantic oil fields, or, as the government calls them, The Falklands. Hence William’s hasty deployment to the far-off speck in a brilliantly conceived, and not at all transparent, attempt to whip up nationalistic fervour by using the heir to the throne as a pawn in a well-worn game known unofficially in government circles as ‘Fuck the Public! They’re Stupid’. This game has been played successfully in recent years with Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, currently Syria, and, shhhh! is in full swing with Iran. One of its cardinal  rules, which must never, ever be ignored, is exploiting the grief of dead soldiers’ families in order to ensure the public confuses support for ‘the fallen’ with support for the current oil war. In the Falklands/oil reserves case the happy timing of the thirty-year anniversary of the ’82 conflict is a priceless gift! Cue Simon Weston, because when a man who had his face burned off in battle tells us we must defend the islands, well only a sicko would fail to grab a Union Jack and drive their son or daughter to the nearest army recruitment office!

Mainstream journalists would be under strict instructions never to mention this game exists if it weren’t for the fact that, thanks to an effective filtering system which selects for obedience (Andrew Marr to Noam Chomsky: ‘how do you know I’m self-censoring?’ Chomsky: ‘I’m sure you mean everything you say, but if you believed anything different you wouldn’t be sitting where you’re sitting’) there is simply no need! Hurrah! Whether one works for a private corporation reliant on advertising like ITN, or a corporation whose board is appointed by the government – the BBC, there is never any fear of the truth suddenly being blurted out ‘Network’ style live on air (if you haven’t seen this prescient film do so without delay), not when your newsreaders have a guaranteed psychological mechanism at work – cognitive dissonance – effortlessly keeping them blind and stupid.

This impaired vision works particularly well where the royals are concerned and is of the utmost importance considering the parasites’ effectiveness in garnering  zombie-like support for criminal wars (oh yes, they are illegal) and generally keeping the status quo – through the societal hierarchy the royals perch upon being strengthened – firmly in place. Royal arse-licking goes into overdrive during official celebrations like the upcoming jubilee. We notice this has started already with a drip, drip of nauseating reports about visits to schools in which various lisping five-year olds have their innocence cynically misused in the service of this bullshit. We must make patriots of them!

Yes! The disease of patriotism infects those exposed from their earliest years and hardly any are subsequently cured. It is far easier to convince ‘patriots’ to support a war, and it is staggeringly simple to stifle the empathy of otherwise compassionate people under this banner so that the suffering of even little children is unfelt because they are now ‘the enemy’.  Mix in the corporate news media’s refusal to give equal weight to the lives of ‘our boys’ and the innocent victims of our military exploits and you have a recipe for any kind of atrocity to be committed with little challenge from a public so brainwashed and uninformed:

‘’each man under the influence of patriotism confesses himself the son of his fatherland and the slave of his government, and commits actions contrary to his reason and conscience.” Leo Tolstoy

How many know that five hundred thousand children under five died as a result of our sanctions against Iraq according to a UN report? A price worth paying says former US Secretary of State Madeleine Albright) And that doesn’t include the ones over the age of five! How many ‘patriots’ reflect on the million completely innocent victims of our invasion of that country? Or the relentless numbers of innocents dead in Afghanistan?

One can read the letter of Joe Glenton, a soldier who refused to return there and served his time in a military prison, to witness the awakening of a man from a Huxleyian Soma reverie.

” ‘Cowardice’ – A charge often levelled by all-American types against those who stand up for their beliefs by refusing to fight in wars they find unconscionable, and who willingly go to prison or into exile in order to avoid violating their own consciences. These ‘cowards’ are to be contrasted with red-blooded, ‘patriotic’ youths who literally bend over, grab their ankles, submit to the government, fight in wars they do not understand (or disapprove of), and blindly obey orders to maim and to kill simply because they are ordered to do so – all to the howling approval of the mob. This type of behavior is commonly termed ‘courageous.’ ”: Chaz Bufe

What a transformation would occur in a world in which men and women acted like Joe rather than as ‘good patriots’; if they acted on the principle which John Bunyon averred: ‘ I will go to prison until the end of my days before I make a butchery of my conscience’; or that Thoreau described:  ‘The mass of men serve the state thus, not as men mainly, but as machines, with their bodies. They are the standing army, and the militia, jailers, constables, posse comitatus, etc. In most cases there is no free exercise whatever of the judgment or of the moral sense; but they put themselves on a level with wood and earth and stones; and wooden men can perhaps be manufactured that will serve the purpose as well. Such command no more respect than men of straw or a lump of dirt…Yet such as these even are commonly esteemed good citizens.’

‘Good citizens’. Ah yes. What a misused term! A good citizen is an obedient citizen according to the state. If we comply, then we are showered with all the rewards of the petted slave – but we have no freedom! And we can be of no possible use to the potential victims of that state’s corrupt policies. The truth is, a good citizen is a sovereign citizen! A good citizen is independent of thought and refuses to close his or her eyes and shut his or her mouth even at the cost of personal liberty. What other kind of life is there worth living if one is truly awake and committed to justice? Being awake is a dangerous business in a world as fucked-up as ours, but it’s better than snoring through an unconscious existence filled with all the meaningless junk a complaisant consumer can accumulate. Time to awaken and wipe the scales from our eyes.  Time to look at the real state of play.

We saw this state of play during last year’s royal wedding when anyone exercising their entirely lawful and democratic right to protest about it (even outside of the ‘security’ zone set up by police) was arrested and spirited off to a prison cell for twenty-four hours. Watch as well-known activist Charlie Veitch of ‘The Love Police’ is arrested on the morning of the wedding – Veitch had been very open about the fact that he was going to Soho Square in London to join other protesters in a day of theatre and partying well away from the wedding itself.

And watch what happened to those who actually got as far as Soho Sq.

That was particularly sinister – who are these shaven-headed thugs? Police clearly – but with no uniform and no ID number! They can be seen in action again here at last year’s November student demo forcing people up alleyways away from prying cameras.

A Channel 4 film crew were present when more royal wedding protesters were  arrested the night before the big day. You will hear the the voice of BSN co-editor, Mike Raddie, who was filming.

And on the day itself, police were waiting at all major train stations arresting anyone with anti-royal banners in their bags. I, myself, finished my banner on the train and upon reaching Waterloo was met with the expected line of police at the barrier ready to search and arrest anyone they found with just such material. Luckily for me I didn’t seem to arouse suspicion and I slipped by on my way to the republican party being held in Red Lion Square. But what an indictment of our ‘land of liberty’, and of the crowds I pushed through, squealing their approval of their own enslavement.

This is the truth about freedom of speech and freedom of expression in this country. The rhetoric from politicians and police on this – how they cherish those things – is a brazen lie, a smokescreen that blinds only the terminally naïve or those too apathetic to have ever tested whether their civil liberties  are actually real. If they had, they would know what many of us have known for many a long year – those rights are an illusion: ‘If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter.’ George Washington

We at BSNews exercise our rights with or without the permission of the state. We say ‘fuck the jubilee! Fuck the royals! Fuck the Queen!’ And that brings us back to that grinning nincompoop Alastair Stewart? Did he ever get his tongue out of Kate’s arse? You’ll be relieved to hear that he did, but his breath stank so much his colleagues begged him to take a week off and had a whip round for a crate of Listerine.

ITN said in a statement: ‘Alastair has always been a major brown-nose when it comes to the royals, but we indulge him because it fits so well into our ethos.’ Stewart was heard to say after his ordeal: ‘I got a really good whiff of Kate’s poo….and to my dismay it seems the royals’ shit stinks just the same as ours – I’m devastated.’ Meanwhile, there are rumours that Kate enjoyed the scatological stimulation so much she will be starring with Princess Anne’s spirited daughter, Sara Philips, in a remake of a popular viral video, now re-named, ‘Two Royals One Cup’.

‘I hate patriotism man… what we should have on our national flags are pictures of our parents fucking’ Bill Hicks

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