Ghosted

So.

I’ve been analysed

And diagnosed

With ‘undesirable personality disorder’

Examined for danger

And found ‘unsafe for use’

I’ve been ghosted

Labeled an ‘unperson’

Unworthy of interest

Sent to Coventry

Expunged from history

Left freezing in the blast

Of your Siberian indifference

You have averted your gaze.

Like a king,

Withdrawn your favour.

Kafkaesque

I’m left wondering

What the charges are?

And as you are planted

So firmly in moral ground

I know my sin

Must be something

Indefensible.

And so I asked for forgiveness

Not knowing the sentence

You handed down

Is non-commutable

It hadn’t struck me

Until

A heartfelt apology

Met with total silence

Only then

My self esteem

Twitched and revived.

It was still alive

And I remember

How one single turn

Burned

In an instant

Through to the bone.

Felt like a blow

I don’t know how

I got down the stairs

Reeling from it

And when I think that so few,

So very, very few

Could have inflicted

Such a wound on me

I am anguished

I gave you the power

To damage me

You see

You are wrong about me

Absolutely and completely

Did you think you saw

Some schoolgirl game

To elicit jealousy?

I’m grasping here

In hindsight

But if you think

You witnessed that

Then my soul is a stranger to you

And that constructed person

A phantom, a ghoul

As far from me

As dead dust is

From warm flesh

And I suffer I believe

For someone else’s crime

Lost in time

But colouring you still

Your own long forgotten

Heart wound

Bleeding somewhere

Deep within

An underground river

Irrigating your fears

Clouding your sight

Which in all other ways

Is so very clear.

And so

My pure well-spring is declared

Contaminated

At risk of poisoning you

When the truth is

This river is unpolluted

Its waters could heal

All old wounds

Soothe all aches away

Gently dissolve

The scar tissue

You mistakenly feel

Protects you.

It doesn’t.

It walls your heart off

From deep healing

And true friendship

Freely offered

With no strings or conditions

Do you know

How rare that is?

I do.

All I’m guilty of

Is being human

And that too

Is all you’re guilty of.

For all our moral strength –

And we do know so well

What’s right

And what’s wrong

With this world

And we both despise

The lies

Hypocrisy

Lack of integrity,

And our rightful anger

Burns

With the same

Blue-white flame –

We are still, after all

Human.

Who knew?

I do need your forgiveness

For expressing my hurt

In any way that hurt you.

But you also need mine.

Even though you don’t want it

I give it anyway

And when I see you

As I surely will

I won’t feel

I can’t look you in the eye

Or even say hello

And it will mean by then

Nothing more than that.

Alison Banville is co-editor of BSNews

Likes(0)Dislikes(0)

Please let us know your thoughts...